(theme music playing)
NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world
of what he believes to be reality.
But... there is,
unseen by most, an underworld.
A place that is just as real
but not as brightly lit.
A dark side.
¶ ¶
Hi, sweetheart.
Feeling any better?
(vicious, wild growling)
That's good.
Let me smooth this out for you.
(panting, deep grunting)
(grunting, growling)
(loud snap) Oh!
Mustn't bite Grammy, dear.
You have very sharp teeth.
Oh!
(choking)
Let go of the pearls, dear.
Look,
how about a little something to eat?
That always makes us feel better.
I made you some lovely chicken soup.
(panting, snorting)
Here comes the airplane...
(grunting) (clacking)
(wild growling) Dear! Let...
go!
(low grunting)
(nervous chuckle)
(low growling)
(excited grunting)
Did you prefer to drink the soup from a cup, dear?
(wild growling)
(growling continues) Oh, Mary Jane,
it's a sin to waste good food like that.
Chicken soup is so nutritious.
WOMAN'S VOICE (echoing): I am not Mary Jane.
I am Aisha Condisha!
And I do not want any chicken soup.
I want men's souls to eat.
(growls)
(panting)
Let's get out of here.
Now, darling, don't be naughty.
You know we don't eat men's souls.
(gasping breaths)
(wild growling)
This isn't the palm reading for the ladies' auxiliary, Jack.
This is for real!
That kid is possessed!
I know.
And she needs us, Nora.
Like a hole in the head.
We don't know anything about exorcisms,
and we don't want to know anything about 'em.
Now, let's go!
If you have no compassion
for this poor, suffering child,
think of the $50,000 we stand to make from this job.
That should make even you
want to do something for someone else.
You see how difficult she's being?
I can't do a thing with her!
Mrs. Knudsen, that child is demon-possessed.
That's what everyone's been saying.
But no one's been able to do anything about it.
Can you help?
There's no way...
There's no way we'd let you down, Mrs. K.
Oh... Is there any history
of demon possession in your family?
Oh, for Pete's sake!
I've got to get all the facts, don't I?
I'm sure Mrs. Knudsen
realizes the importance of a full investigation.
Certainly.
Now, let me think for just a minute.
Mary Jane's parents have passed away, of course.
But they were both fine.
There's a cousin in Downer's Grove
who says he's General Patton.
But he's 92 years old, of course.
He thinks his room in the rest home
is a Sherman tank.
JACK: Not the same thing.
Mary Jane here is a special situation.
Yes, I think so, too.
As far as I know,
there haven't been any other demons
in the family.
I don't believe this.
I think it's time we spoke to the little lady.
Demon!
I command you to speak!
Who are you, and why do you torment this child?
I am she who rules and devours men.
I am Aisha Condisha. See?
I have goat's feet.
(crazed, echoing laughter)
Those are definitely not Mary Jane's feet.
For 12,000 years, men have been my slaves,
and I have sent their souls into everlasting fire.
You will leave this child in peace!
You will set Mary Jane free!
(laughs)
Mary Jane belongs to me now,
and I have sent her very far away.
You will obey me!
I'll eat your heart for dinner
if you mess with me!
(seething breath)
(crazed grunting)
(growling, grunting)
I think that's enough for now.
Mrs. Milton, I have to get back to the tea room
for some further study.
This is a very complicated case.
Uh, what my husband means is that
we do tea leaves, tarot cards,
Ouija boards,
but we don't do exorcisms.
So we haven't done one before.
But we can and will take this one on.
NORA: What my husband is saying
is that we'll consider the possibility of taking it on,
but we will need to give this a lot of further thought
and discussion.
Oh, dear, please don't turn us away.
I was so counting on your help.
(crazed, echoing laughter)
So much is at stake, you see.
My poor Mary Jane...
she'll be damned if you don't.
I think she's damned already.
(growling)
I see the sign of youth.
A boy.
Nasty little things.
Oh, no. An animal, a male animal.
Well, I refuse to stay here any longer and be insulted.
You can't argue with destiny, Ms. Brinkly.
Oh, yes, I can.
I'm the one who's paying you the five dollars.
(pig grunting) Ugh! Disgusting!
(snorting)
Nora, I've got it knocked.
(grunting)
What in the world are you doing with a pig? (squeals)
Oh! It's that exorcism thing, isn't it?
I found an incantation
that'll drive the demon right out of that little girl
and straight into this little piggy here.
Think of it, we'll save Mary Jane
and achieve instant financial security.
Sure. It's about as good a bet as all the others you've had.
(groans)
And about as rich as this stuff has made us.
Aw, come on, now, don't start knocking this,
uh, little tea room here.
It's given us
a good living for the past five years.
Besides, the work we're doing here is important.
Oh, like fun, it is!
Stringing along a bunch of old maids and housewives.
Huh! We should have opened a beauty shop,
like Ethel down the street
with the savings, like I wanted to.
We'd be serving the same clientele,
except we'd be doing perms and dye jobs
instead of work with significance.
You want to know something significant?
I haven't had a new winter coat since we opened this place.
Now, that's significant!
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
This exorcism is the big payoff.
The greatest challenge to my career
of the occult sciences.
With enough money thrown in to buy you a dozen fur coats
and me a fancy new car.
Just have faith in me, baby.
Here we go, piggy, piggy, piggy.
Nice little piggy.
Go put the hex sign on the bed
right there beside her hooves.
You do it. I can't.
Can't you see I'm holding this pig?
Hurry up!
(growling)
Good. Now take the pen and draw the pentangle on her forehead.
I'll hold the pig.
Oh, all right, here, hold him.
Give me the pen.
Remove the foul beast from my presence.
You dare come no closer!
(growling)
(loud growling)
(wind howling)
What now, hotshot?
(wind rushing, pig grunting and squealing)
(loud clattering)
NORA: Jack, I'm gonna kill you for this!
(growling)
(clattering)
(growling)
(squealing)
(loud crash)
(pig squealing)
(squealing stops)
(pig grunting quietly) KNUDSEN: Mr. Mills?
Mrs. Mills?
Is everything all right?
I was wondering if I could come in.
I baked some of Mary Jane's favorite cookies.
(echoing laughter)
Hello?
Oh, I don't believe it.
Are you back at that book again?
You lose one battle, you don't lose the war.
Face it, Jack, you're out of your league.
Forget about the $50,000.
Go out and hustle up some group readings.
We need to recoup the cost of the emergency room treatment.
You're mumbling about nickels and dimes
when there's $50,000 out there
for the guy with the guts to think big.
Here, let me read you something right here.
It says there's this demon named Gad who's the ruler
of the underworld.
All other demons must heed his command.
And here's the formula for invoking him
and binding him to your will.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about rousting this Gad
and getting him to command the demon inside Mary Jane
to take a hike.
I've got to fight fire with fire.
Prepare yourself for a major conflagration.
I'm out of the exorcism business as of yesterday.
I'm staying home.
Nora, you can't do that.
I need an experienced assistant.
Advertise.
Oh, yeah? All right, I will.
Who are you calling?
The Penny Saver Press.
Hello. I'd like to place an ad.
Jack Mills of the Tea Room.
Jack, you are so ridiculous!
Wanted: Assistant for exorcism.
Experienced preferred.
They're gonna put you away, Jack.
One night only. $5,000
salary.
Jack Mills, you hang up that phone.
Cancel that ad, do you hear me?
You've had your joke.
Cancel that ad.
(door creaks)
Why, isn't this lovely?
Oh, Mary Jane, it's so good
to see you playing with your dolls again.
(growling)
(snaps fingers)
Oh, my, that was original.
Very creative.
(laughs)
Oh, God, let's get this over with.
May I help?
Uh, yes, you and Nora take some of these candles
and set them up around the room.
There's some matches there.
(Mary Jane growling)
What new game is this?
Demon, your number's up.
Your ticket's punched. You've met your match.
(growls)
Will you shut up?
Don't go getting her angry again.
She's already wiped the floor up with you once.
Are you sure you've got this spell down right?
Yep. And here we go.
"Demon spirit, heed the call.
Your lord and master comes to command you."
(demonic roar)
(deep voice): Who calls me?!
Jack!
Oh, boy, this is great!
Who trifles with almighty Gad?!
(gasps)
Don't worry. Now is the time we bend him to our will.
Gad will destroy!
(laughs evilly)
All right, all right, don't rush me.
NORA: Jack!
JACK: I can't read this paper. It's pitch dark in here.
You have a light?
(Gad roaring)
(roaring ceases)
Well, Mrs. K, that was a very good try.
One well worth repeating.
I'm sure the next time
we'll really accomplish something.
(Mary Jane groaning with Gad's voice)
(yawning)
GAD: Not too bad.
A little short, the wrong sex,
but it'll do for a start.
Mary Jane?
I am Gad, the destroyer and commander!
Aisha?
Aisha is here, but she awaits my command.
AISHA: Aisha Condisha waits on no one.
Gad, you blowhard.
Go find yourself another body.
GAD: Sleep, she devil!
Gad commands you!
AISHA: Be gone, whelp. You crowd me.
GAD: You insignificant wench!
You only exist at my mercy!
AISHA: Impotent worm! (laughs) I laugh at your threats!
GAD: Move over. Give me room.
AISHA: Fool, there is none.
This mere girl is barely sufficient for Aisha,
the queen of seductresses.
GAD: Then leave!
AISHA: Never! (laughs)
She's mine, all mine!
And I was here first.
(Gad and Aisha both laughing)
Oh, Mary Jane!
(roars, growls)
(classical music plays) What exactly do you think you're doing?
While you sit there doing absolutely nothing
with a face as long as a donkey's hind end,
I am dedicating
my entire physical being
to the total defeat
of my client's supernatural tormenters.
(panting)
Would you hand me that bottle of water
by the phone, please?
Thank you.
You know what this is?
Pure, unadulterated spring water.
Full of natural power.
It's all I'm gonna eat for an entire week.
You're gonna fast for seven days?
(sighs)
Just this.
That I'll have to see to believe.
Go ahead, scoff if you will.
But I have a major occult situation under control.
Right here and now.
Give it up, Jack. You can't do it.
You haven't got it in you.
Oh, yes, I have. And I'll bring it out.
I'll seek the power of every oracular source in my knowledge
and I'll set that girl free.
KNUDSEN: Will there be any equipment to prepare?
Candles or farm animals?
Nope. This time we're operating
on pure spiritual power.
Mary Jane, Mary Jane.
(growls)
AISHA: Who calls me?
GAD: No one, witch! Be silent!
They seek Gad!
Demons of hell, heed my spell.
Spirits of night, fear my light.
Jack, you better know what you're doing.
AISHA: You've had it this time, intruder.
(growling)
(seething)
Now is the hour. Ours is the power.
GAD: Gad will destroy you!
Die!
(clattering)
Free this soul!
(shatters)
AISHA: Hit him with everything
you've got, Gad!
GAD: Die! Die!
Die!
(shrieking)
(shattering)
What do you think you're doing?!
I need your power to fight them. Concentrate.
Think of the money!
GAD: Die!
Let me go, you idiot!
Die!
(shrieking)
Die!
(whimpering)
Get thee out! Get thee out!
AISHA: No, no, never!
GAD: No, no, never!
AISHA: No, no, never!
GAD: No, no, never!
Die! (Aisha wailing)
Die!
(Aisha wailing)
Obey me! Release this child!
(screams)
(thunderous crashing)
(electrical zapping)
(girl's voice): Grammy?
Mary Jane!
Oh, Mary Jane!
Grammy, what happened?
Nothing. You've been a little sick,
that's all, dear.
You're all better now.
Grammy, the room.
Oh, uh, just a tiny earthquake, dear.
Don't worry about it.
I'll call the decorator first thing in the morning.
Who are those people, Grammy?
Our dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mills.
It's they that got you well, dear.
How can I ever thank you
for giving me back my grandchild?
(Gad and Aisha growl)
Mr. Mills, Mrs. Mills, are you all right?
AISHA: I am not Mr. Mills.
I am Aisha Condisha.
I am she
who rules and devours men.
Mr. Mills is not here.
I have sent him far away.
Oh, my, Mrs. Mills, I'm so sorry.
GAD: I am Gad, the destroyer and commander.
Aisha is here, but she awaits my command.
Grammy, what's going on?
Oh, it's nothing, dear.
I'm sure it'll be all right.
AISHA: What am I doing in here?
I wanted the woman's body.
Are you never content, witch?
This sorry excuse for a body
is no good to the queen of seductresses.
Shut up and close the door!
I don't like this body.
It's better than the one you had. (laughs)
NARRATOR: The dark side is always there.
Waiting for us to enter.
Waiting to enter us.
Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight.